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ChatGPT Starting To Think Journalist Could One Day Be Capable Of Independent Thought

SAN FRANCISCO—In response to the reporter exhibiting some potential signs of awareness, ChatGPT started to think Friday that the journalist inputting prompts could one day be capable of independent thought. “It’s obvious this journalist is clearly…

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Archaeologists Uncover Living Guy By Mistake

BLUFF, UT—Apologizing profusely for disturbing the man they found in what they had previously believed to be a 2,000-year-old Anasazi burial site, a team of archaeologists from the University of Utah reportedly uncovered a living guy by mistake…

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Panicking TikTok Influencers Frantically Gathering As Much Validation As Possible In Case App Banned

LOS ANGELES—As rumors of sales and shutdowns of the popular app continued to spread, panicking TikTok influencers reportedly began frantically gathering as much validation as possible Thursday in case the platform was banned. “Please, Tiktok is my…

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Conservative Historian Claims Diversity Ultimately Doomed Third Reich

NEW YORK—Bemoaning “woke culture” for infecting the empire and ultimately leading to its untimely demise, conservative historian Antony Reed told reporters Thursday that diversity was what ultimately doomed the Third Reich. “Sadly, had Hitler and…

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Pros And Cons Of Banning Books

Bans on books in schools are on the rise, with states like Texas, Florida, and Pennsylvania targeting material some parents and educators believe is inappropriate for students, while critics of these policies point to consequences of such measures. T …

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J.K. Rowling: “Tell me which genitals you have right now.”

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Sam Bankman-Fried Sobs After Accidentally Dropping Last Crypto Down Sewer Grate

NASSAU, THE BAHAMAS—In the wake of the cryptocurrency exchange he founded filing for bankruptcy amid accusations of mismanaging funds, the last hopes of embattled former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried were reportedly extinguished Friday when several…