Congress Considers Banning TikTok After App Makes Every Senator Bulimic

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WASHINGTON—Unveiling a potential bill aimed at combating what members described as a grave risk to public safety, Congress announced Tuesday that it was considering a ban on TikTok after the app made every senator bulimic. “We cannot in good conscience continue to allow the widespread use of an app that gave all 100 senators severe body image issues and eating disorders,” said Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA), adding that legislative work in the upper chamber of Congress had been brought to a virtual standstill because dozens of senators couldn’t stop scrolling through TikTok videos and bursting into tears. “We wanted to do some research into TikTok to see for ourselves how it threatens public security, but we all ended up addicted to watching weight-loss and dieting TikToks, which made us all feel really bad about our bodies. This app simply makes it far too easy for users, including all 100 United States senators, to develop depression and low self-esteem. Jon Tester (D-MT) just ran off saying he didn’t want to see anyone until he’s lost 20 pounds, Mitt Romney (R-UT) has been in the bathroom for over 90 minutes, and we just watched Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) eat an entire chocolate cake. Both Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and Cindy Hyde Smith (R-MI) have unveiled big visual aids counting their calories, and the hasht ag #WhatIEatInADay has been trending around the Senate. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) has been doing crunches on the Senate floor, and Debbie Stabenow (D-MI) is begging us all to follow her weight-loss journey on the app. TikTok is, without a doubt, a growing threat to a functional American society.” At press time, Congress had passed a massive bipartisan funding bill to purchase diet pills they saw on TikTok.