NASSAU, THE BAHAMAS—In the wake of the cryptocurrency exchange he founded filing for bankruptcy amid accusations of mismanaging funds, the last hopes of embattled former FTX CEO Sam Bankman-Fried were reportedly extinguished Friday when several eyewitnesses observed him sobbing after accidentally dropping his last crypto down a sewer grate.
Bankman-Fried was reportedly feeling depressed after a series of revelations about his handling of FTX customer investments erased its $32 billion valuation in a matter of days. As its liquidity dried up, his personal net worth of $16 billion was reduced to zero. Friends described Bankman-Fried as despondent and unsure what to do until he reportedly discovered a crypto he hadn’t known he had under the couch in his apartment.
“As long as I have you, I’ll always have hope!” the 30-year-old investor was heard to say to his last remaining cryptocurrency, holding it up in delight and wonder. Realizing he still had a crypto left to his name reversed his sullen mood in an instant, sources confirmed, and Bankman-Fried declared that this one cryptocurrency was all he needed to rebuild his reputation and fortune.
The rejuvenated entrepreneur then reportedly left his apartment and took a stroll down the streets of Nassau with what onlookers described as a spring in his step. He was said to periodically remove his last cryptocurrency from his pocket to stare at it, a look of pure joy on his face. A friend confirmed that the man known as SBF said over text that not even the looming threat of a criminal investigation into his activities with his asset management firm Alameda Group could bring him down with his last cryptocurrency by his side.
“I’m on top of the world!” he was heard to exclaim to random passersby, who all smiled his way. The birds were reportedly chirping, and the sun was said to shine bright.
Distracted by his last cryptocurrency, which he was holding aloft to admire, Bankman-Fried reportedly failed to notice a fire hydrant on the sidewalk. Several bystanders confirmed that he tripped over the hydrant, sprawling to the sidewalk, and his last crypto skidded out of his grasp.
“No, no, no!” Bankman-Fried reportedly shouted until his voice was hoarse.
Onlookers said that the cryptocurrency then began to slide down the street as Bankman-Fried stumbled after it. Shouting, “Get back here!”, he repeatedly lunged at the rolling crypto, missing it every time, until he fell flat on his stomach in the street several feet from a sewer.
Sources confirmed that the disgraced investor was then forced to watch in what felt like slow motion as his last crypto in the world teetered on the edge of the sewer grate. For a moment, it reportedly looked like it would just fall harmlessly onto the frame, but it took one last spin and plunged into the sewer.
“I’m ruined!” Bankman-Fried was heard to shout, tears in his eyes, as he crawled over to the grate. He then spent several minutes staring at the cryptocurrency, which had reportedly given him the hope and confidence that he could regain the life he had lost, as it sat in the sewer on a pile of leaves and garbage, just out of reach.
In between heaving sobs, Bankman-Fried reportedly begged a pedestrian for a stick of gum. After chewing the gum for a few moments, he grabbed a stick lying nearby and placed the lubricated gum on the end of the stick. Multiple onlookers confirmed that he spent several panicked minutes inserting the stick into the sewer grate in an attempt to get the cryptocurrency to stick to the gum.
Sources observing the weeping former CEO reported that this didn’t work at all.
At press time, Bankman-Fried had stuck his arm through the grate and was screaming for help after realizing it was stuck.