Tech Moguls React To The Silicon Valley Bank Collapse

“Collapse sounds bad, but getting shut down by regulators is simply the final phase of innovation.”

“And to think they could’ve avoided this all with a more prudent business model centered around making people pay $40 for a soggy sub they’ll get in two hours.”

“I really feel for the venture capitalists who’ve lost everything except millions in liquid assets stashed elsewhere.”

“Oh no, whatever shall we do with all these lobbyists we have on retainer to pressure the government to bail us out?”

“A true leader would’ve made sure it was the No. 1 worst bank failure in history, even worse than the Great Depression.”

“They should consider making interactive charts for every business that banks with them. People will forgive a lot of unethical treatment when you give them interactive charts.”

“This is the perfect thing to explain why we won’t be giving out the raises and bonuses that we weren’t going to give out anyways.”

“Wow, this seems like a very stressful event for people who have much less money than I do.”

“Fuck, I wish I had shorted SVB shares.”

“If they weren’t so hell-bent on diversity, equity, and inclusion, I wouldn’t have had to orchestrate a bank run.”

“We’ve had processes in place for years to make sure events like this only drive our stock price higher.”

“I keep trying to tell you I’m not a tech mogul. I just own an iPhone.”

“In the future, when money has become obsolete and sexual gratification is the only remaining form of currency, the only banks we will need are our own turgid, throbbing genitals.”

“I want to reassure investors and consumers that we’re too powerful to fail without taking the entire economy with us.”

“There’s just something quaint about a good old-fashion bank run.”

“It’s important that we maintain confidence in the central system that we use every day to commit fraud.”

“We still exist? Hey, that’s neat.”