Tucker Carlson’s Biggest Lies

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While the Fox News host is not necessarily known for being honest, text messages released in the Dominion Voting Systems lawsuit show that Tucker Carlson frequently lies to viewers. The Onion examines Tucker Carlson’s biggest lies.

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“The QAnon Shaman had IBS.”

Carlson has repeatedly claimed on-air that the QAnon Shaman had IBS and thus had no choice but to release his bowels all over Nancy Pelosi’s office, and that anyone who disputed this was simply being ableist.

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“I’m a Republican.”

Tucker Carlson has been a registered member of the Green Party since 1991.

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“The Infinity Emerald has fallen into the hands of the Shadow Witch, therefore all is lost.”

No, there is hope: a young peasant girl from the village, as foretold by the prophecy.

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“I am but a humble factory worker from Fairfield, AL.”

Tucker Carlson is a television host.

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“I’d never let the new woke M&Ms fellate my penis.”

He absolutely would, in a heartbeat.

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“I had to stop wearing my bow tie due to bow tie cancer. ”

Bow tie cancer is exceedingly rare.

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“Facts exist, and you can say the opposite of them if you want to and especially if it’s lucrative to do so.”

This one is actually true.

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“The Jan. 6 insurrectionists were just sightseers.”

The Capitol building is boring as shit, and in a town with the Lincoln Memorial, the Smithsonian, and the National Gallery of Art, no self-respecting tourist would waste their valuable time sightseeing at the fucking Capitol building.

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“The Earth is round.”

Yet again, Carlson proves himself to be a lib in sheep’s clothing.

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“I saw a bug and got scared.”

It was only a shadow, although he did get scared.

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“Illegal immigrants are coming here and stealing our lunches.”

That was Brian Kilmeade.

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“I have never worn my ‘Dancing With The Stars’ shirt again.”

In fact, Carlson wears the blue, puffy shirt he wore on the program every single night to bed.

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“Illegal immigrants keep complimenting my thick, beautiful hair.”

While Carlson has regularly called for the deportation of illegal immigrants, his repeated attempts to use them to sell hair supplements is just pathetic.

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“The Lollipop Man from my dreams says I’m doing important work to shore up American democracy.”

Far be it from us to disagree with the Lollipop Man; however, in this instance, he appears to be fibbing.

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“Dr. Fauci and Covid-19 are lovers.”

Fauci and the novel coronavirus are work acquaintances and nothing more.

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“I left MSNBC in 2007 and went to Fox because it is beneficial for those who control political systems to have hyper-partisan media outlets that engage in direct squabbles with each other, which produces media coverage that is about media coverage, which refocuses public attention on media personalities like Rachel Maddow or myself and ultimately obscures the real sources of power.”

He left MSNBC in 2008, not 2007.

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“I hate [Donald Trump] passionately.”

This one isn’t so much a lie as it is misleading, since it’s odd to single out Trump among the 3.5 million of his viewers he absolutely loathes.

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“For about a year, I had an affair with the blond ‘Modern Family’ lady, who left her husband for me even though I didn’t leave my wife for her.”

While it is unfathomable to think that not one but two people could find Tucker Carlson desirable, this one is true.

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“When a duck looks like it’s sitting on top of the water, that’s just an illusion. Under the waterline they have these long, sexy legs that stand on the river bottom in sensible heels.”

This is what Fox was covering as the Jan. 6 insurrection took place.

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“Covid-19 was created by the Wu-Tang Clan.”

Carlson’s assertion that Covid-19 was created in a studio session during a Method Man verse is unsubstantiated.

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“America is a depraved hellhole.”

While technically true, it’s not for the reasons Carlson believes.

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“I taste great in between two jelly-slathered pieces of bread.”

Yet again, Carlson has mistaken himself for peanut butter.

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“The mainstream media doesn’t want you to know the Brazilian three-banded armadillo exists. ”

Information about the Brazilian three-banded armadillo is widespread and easy to find online.

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“Bow ties are not good for stimulating autoerotic asphyxiation and bringing oneself to a shuddering climax.”

He just never figured out how to use it correctly.

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“The purple M&M groomed me.”

Whenever there’s a slow news day, Carlson claims the purple M&M met him when he was just 16 years old and immediately seduced him.